Your article on bipolar disorder made me wonder about my husband. He is often in a very happy mood, as if on a high, but he can easily go into a bad mood or get very irritable. I have heard that he has always been this way, that he hides all his emotions except happiness or anger. Could he be bipolar? How can I tell him that he is? He doesn't believe in it at all. But he does lose his temper every so often. Is it because he buries his emotions? How can I understand him better?

B.T.

I can't say whether your husband does or does not have bipolar disorder without assessing him personally. So I can't recommend your telling him he's bipolar (or that you think he has that condition) unless he's been diagnosed by a professional following a complete evaluation.

That's because there are other possible explanations besides bipolar disorder for the behavior you describe ... although again, I can't say whether they apply to your husband. For instance, some people with borderline personality disorder have mood swings and rages. (You can read more about borderline personality disorder in the book Stop Walking On Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger, and Larry J. Siener.) So can people who abuse drugs or alcohol, or people who were abused or traumatized as children.

But not everyone who exhibits behavior such as you describe has a mental illness or chemical addiction. Some people grow up in environments where they are discouraged from showing any "negative" emotions such as sadness or anger. Often, it's considered okay for boys or men to express anger but not sadness, and girls or women to express sadness but not anger. Since sadness and anger (as well as other feelings) are a natural part of human experience, people who chronically suppress them may eventually explode or act out when the internal (or external) pressure builds up. To learn more about emotions and their importance, you might read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman.

If you want to understand your husband better, one possibility is to talk with him about your perceptions of his behavior, and ask him what HE feels is going on with him. Of course, if his irritability or temper is inappropriately directed at you, you have a right to refuse to tolerate that and to request that he learn to handle his feelings more appropriately -- whether he does that on his own, through self-help books or support groups, or by seeing an individual or marital therapist.